Friday, 25 February, 2011

Well, I am a dog person. As long as I have remembered, I have always wanted to bring a little pup home and play with it everyday. They are honest creatures who just know how to give love.. Just give them a cuddle and a tummy rub and they couldn't be happier! In sharp contrast are creatures like us, who have to rationalize thru all aspects of life and make everything seem like a form of barter. No amount of tummy rubs and cuddles seem to make us happy. No wonder we are so incapable of loving unconditionally!

I once had the privilege of naming a furry little pup and I christened her 'noodles'. She was such a cutie! Soft brown eyes full of love.. my heart still melts every time I look at her picture. Due to situations beyond my control, she was given off to another family and was separated from her six equally tiny brothers, sisters and mother Candy. Poor Candy moped for days looking at all the corners of the house for her babies. I am just glad that I was not there to see her in such a condition. Even though practical considerations forces many dog owners to do this, somehow I have never been able to some to terms with that. The implications of a loving family getting separated is something I can't start describing in words...

So, coming back to more brighter side of adopting a pet, why am I suddenly talking about puppy love? Well, it so happened that this discussion over dog names came up and I thought how cool it would be to have a pup named 'Pointer'. It seems such a perfect name! While playing fetch, one could say 'Here Pointer, go fetch some memory' or if he decides to get back a bone instead of the ball, one could say 'Pointer, naughty boy, go and dereference the correct memory!' Of course, it would also mean that I have a ball with the name 'memory', which would officially earn me the title of 'the nerd next door', but lets not get into that yet! (Since this the closest I will ever get to being christened 'the girl next door', I might as well give it a shot ;-) )

In a way it would also signify the mutual love that we both would have for each other because in a way 'We would both be referencing the same address', although there are some aspects like 'memory leaks' which are bound to cause some everyday ruptures in our otherwise loving existence :-)
And maybe (just maybe!) I would make him a dog collar with the inscription:

Pointer *ptr;
ptr = &munmun;

Ok, that may be stretching it too far, but the basic thought behind choosing this name remains the same: Being one and the same, sharing a love that transcends the boundaries of language and expression and joins two hearts in one bond.

posted by Munmun at 2:08 pm | Permalink 1 comments
My First Month
Friday, 18 February, 2011

It was a new kind of baby being born exactly one month ago.

Her legs shook and wobbled and tears hid behind the kohl laden eyes.
There was an anticipation and confidence and all preparations had been made way in advance. The clothes were well ironed and lay perfectly in the order of use. Phone calls had been made and prayers had been done. It was time.

The time had come for a new phoenix to emerge from its ashes and the process had just been initiated. Inner ghosts that had conquered the mind and established illegal residences had to be vanquished and the rust had to be removed from the outer crusts. There had once resided in that shell a vivacious, fearless person and that person now needed to emerge from her silent retreat.

Week 1:
Every time she spoke, her heart pounded so hard that she would fear going deaf. The inner ghosts saw their troops slowly vanishing and started putting up a mutiny to retain themselves in the territory. As the battle reached its tumultuous pitch each day, her heartbeats increased and with her defences slowly reducing, tears trickled down and she rushed to the restroom to give vent to this pent up emotional turbulence inside her, far far away from the gaze of the judging eyes...
She ate alone, sat alone, almost like a new boarding school student, except that boarding school students usually get befriended by the geeky outliers.. She was surrounded by the geeks, yet it seemed like she did not fit in.. Like a non-local variable whose reference had been lost (see.. geeky!), she wandered about, trying to look smart and shiny in her new clothes and shoes, but her smile slowly started to lose its shine and worried brows started generating sharper curves.

Weeks 2 and 3:
These were possibly the toughest weeks. Everyday there were some new challenges to overcome and the toughest probably were the ones that required her to speak and communicate. How on earth would anyone understand what being surrounded 12 hours a day (because she slept the rest 12), for more than ten months in succession, in almost utter silence meant? She hopes to someday meet someone who understands; but meanwhile, she had to move on and become functional again, breathe work and inhale code, the essentials for uncontroversial immigrant survival.

Now, after four weeks, her heart still pounds, but the noises are far reduced.. all except one causes her pain. Funny how pounding hearts once in a brief while function like spring-time fluttering butterflies. They may be short lived, but usually leave a warm glow. Well, one well deserved silver lining after all!

So, what is the plan for the next four weeks, you ask? I say, it is to go as far as the path takes me.. To become a traveller and leave the sequences and consequences to the grand Designer, 'cause

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep...
posted by Munmun at 4:19 pm | Permalink 0 comments
The Four Walls
Wednesday, 16 February, 2011

The four walls that hold me in;
Sometimes in darkness and sometimes in liberation.

The thick dark walls of despair and helplessness want to suck me into their emptiness;
The thin bright walls of joy keeps me safe in its transparence, like a bubble, free to take me wherever I wish to go, hither to the flowers or thither to those buzzing bees...

The dark walls make the ground sink away, taking me with it, into its deep, bottomless abyss;
The bright walls open roofs to freedom and give me magical wings to fly and coo like a nightingale in the garden yonder...

Oh my walls, my dear dear walls, tell me that you are not playing tricks on me!
Pity my blind eyes and tell me that you are not changing colors behind my back?

Are you not different, but the same?
posted by Munmun at 5:44 pm | Permalink 1 comments
Its been a while
Its been a while.

So much has passed by in the last two years since I last wrote here.. I was reading through the older blog posts and somehow I could no longer associate myself with them.
I'm in transition, the metamorphosis has set in. It had to, change is inevitable.

The changes scare me, but one can either be scared or face their demons. I haven't decided yet, but I hope to one day choose the latter.

Today I have been inspired.. I feel something stirring up inside me and you can very well ask 'What's cooking?', to which my coy answer would be 'Wait and see' ;-)
posted by Munmun at 5:25 pm | Permalink 0 comments
Dear Mother...
Thursday, 8 October, 2009

Dear Mother,

I wish I could tell you how much I love you. Your mere presence in my life is a cause of great joy and happiness. And to have you in flesh and blood, in my own house, is a joy that I can’t express in words. What started off as a one month vacation now comes to an end. The traveler must now return back to her nest, leaving my nest empty and void.

All these days, I tried spend some time with you, but failed miserably, due to so much of work. I don’t know if this work will ever cease, but one day your presence will. And I am so scared every time this thought strikes me. What if I never get anyone who loves me as much as you do? I will surely die if such a situation ever comes. Till the time you are here, I felt safe and protected. Each day I got nice, hot meals and saw fresh flowers bloom in my tiny garden. After you are gone, the house will be so empty and void, mirroring the emptiness in my own heart.

All that will be left are the sweet memories of your coming into my empty heart and apartment and making it look like spring has arrived. Attachment is such a cruel manner of love establishing its roots in a person’s heart. We keep pining for love, and when we do get it, we still keep pining in pain, all because of attachment.

I guess what I am trying to say here is that I know I haven’t been the best daughter to you. But I do know that you have been the best Mother I could possibly get. You have been a role model in almost every way of life and have taught me how patience and perseverance can win over anyone, even though precious years and health are lost in this struggle called marriage. Thank you for feeding me and showering me with so much love. I know you are going back home today, but please do come and visit me again. I will miss you so much.

Maa, in my next birth, will you please choose to be my mother again? I would love to be your daughter and will try my best to not repeat the mistakes I made this time around.

Always praying for your health and happiness,


Your silly daughter

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posted by Munmun at 6:28 pm | Permalink 3 comments
I closed my eyes
Wednesday, 18 June, 2008

I closed my eyes
And thought of a life

A life which I could call my own
A faith I can trust never to desert me
How many more tears to shed before I completely cleanse thy Lotus feet

I closed my eyes
And thought of a love

Where care meets its fruition in love
Where a 'bye' just means a sweet wait
And where dreams were not a distant mirage, but a beautiful reality

I closed my eyes
And thought of a home

A home which would be made warm by children laughing
Where roses would bloom and sunflowers would shine
And God would pour his blessings of comfort and happiness

And I kept my eyes closed...

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posted by Munmun at 7:51 pm | Permalink 8 comments
A Tribute to Love
Monday, 25 February, 2008

I came in as a stranger to this world,
with my ten li'l toes and ten li'l fingers
And a wail of unbearable pain
Her first caress made me feel wanted
Her teary-eyed smile made me feel special
She touched my cherubic cheeks
And kissed my big wide eyes
And I knew that instant that she was my God - my Mother, my protector

He sat outside the Operation theater
Worried, tensed, nervous, scared
Anxiety and strain gnawing at him each passing moment
And when he heard that beautiful strain, it was music to his ears
the nurse handed him his daughter, his priceless princess
Wrapped in white, covered in golden dawn
I opened my eyes and looked at him - clueless and lost
Crying and wailing - a tiny speck in this whole new world
He took me in his arms and held me close
A drop of tear trickled down his weary eyes
And landed gently on my tiny infant palm
Creating an invisible bond of love
And I knew that instant that He was my God - My Father, my protector

" It needs great intelligence for a man and woman to be forgotten,to live together, not surrender to each other or be dominated by one or the other.
Relationship is the most difficult thing in life. "

-Jiddu Krishnamurti

Happy Anniversary Ma Baba. Thank you for being the best!

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posted by Munmun at 6:14 pm | Permalink 0 comments